The Homework Cycle

I am often caught in a vicious cycle in which I don't do my homework, and also don't even do anything else fun. When I get home, I like to check the internet in case something important had happened while I was away getting an education.  This takes about 15 minutes to half an hour before it gets boring. but then I just don't stop. I keep on trudging on through the internet, because I don't want to do my homework. Apparently, reloading Reddit and Youtube until someone posts something of interest is still slightly less boring than homework.

It gets to the point that it is time for bed, and hardly any homework is finished. This forces me to finish during study hall at school. This is not optimal.

For some reason, a teacher decided that it is good to allow students to work in groups. Anyone who has ever been around anyone under 18 knows this is a horrible idea. Minors can not effectively accomplish tasks when working with their friends. That is, unless you count organized sports, but those coaches are probably ex-military, so they get a pass.

And so, two groups emerge in the classroom, annoying and distracting all those who just want to get their homework done to escape the internet black hole waiting for them when they get home. I have dubbed them The Orgy Brothers and The Snapchat Sisters.

Here is a screenplay of The Orgy Brothers' antics yesterday, as well as I can remember:

Boy 1: (I can't actually remember their names or tell them apart because they all have to same haircut.) Are you tired of being bogged down by homework every night? Then buy the new homework-bot on the internet! It will do you homework for you, so you can spend more time JACKING OFF!!!!!

(Yes, the bold, italics, and underline are completely necessary. He said it with that much ferocity.)

Boy 2: Penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal penal...(This went on for the entirety of the period. I assume he had just learned the word and was very excited to try it out, and didn't bother to find the proper context.)

Boy 3: La la lala la la...(This also persisted, and I believe it to be a sad rendition of the Smurfs theme.)

Boys 4-6: (I couldn't really make out much of what they were saying, as it was drowned out by Sex-Ed Vocab Boy and Smurf Larper. What I was able to understand, I forgot, because I have better use for my memory space, and I didn't realize I was going to make a post about this while it was happening. I do know that it was mostly dick jokes, similar to the aforementioned homework bot. Also a lot of orgasm-ish sounds.)

I guess this looks less like a screen play than I thought it would be. The characters aren't really talking to each other, just yelling and hoping someone notices.

Anyway, due their affinity for talking about dicks during homework time, I was forced to conclude that these boys were involved in some sort a orgy cult, possibly involving Smurfs.

The Snapchat Sisters are less loud, but equally annoying.

I don't really understand Snapchat. I had been under the impression that it was mostly used for porn and almond juice. Apparently it is like Instagram(cracker); a place to post photos of your life, because everyone wants to know what their friends had for breakfast. I only want to see your breakfast if it is a particularly amazing breakfast, like a fried egg, salmon, and guacamole sandwich. Only that kind of omega 3 epicness is allowed on the feeds of the social media accounts I don't have. Did you know that epicness isn't a word? I'm not changing it, because it should be.

Back to the point after my useless sandwich tangent. The only difference I can see between these two sites that I have never looked at is that Snapchat posts self destruct after 50 seconds. I only know this because I read it in my mom's AARP magazine. I think most of my knowledge of social media sites comes from an article I read there about a year ago. I really hope the messages explode when they disappear, that might convince me to get the app.

The Snapchat Sisters are, as you may have guessed, obsessed with Snapchat. Very obsessed. To the point that it is all they talk about.

"Yeah, did you see the thing Female-Name-I-Can't-Remember posted? It's horrible/beautiful/sad/I hate her now." "She's totally spamming her story(what's a story?) with pictures of the snow plow." "Some one got kidnapped, (sarcastically) that's so horrible, I'm crying!"

There are several problems here. Firstly, I really need to remember names better. More importantly, you shouldn't be sarcastic about kidnappings. You can joke about kidnappings, as humor is the way we deal with tragedy, but sarcasm is just rude. Thirdly, snow plows are cool, almost as cool as fried egg sandwiches, and any person luck enough to be graced with photos of them should thank the road utility gods for their blessing.

I don't really care that these people like Snapchat, but they way they talk about it, they must actually hate Snapchat. This is like when I was a baby, and my mom asked if I wanted broccoli, and I did, but I didn't know the word "yes", so I said no. It was a sad broccoli-less day.

So Snapchat Sisters, if you continue to complain about how much you hate the thing you use all the time and interrupt my math homework, I will be forced to throw broccoli at you. It's the mature thing to do.

After dealing with this all day, I go home, and really don't want to do homework, and so the cycle continues. The fact that I have homework looming over my head means that I can't commit myself to stuff I actually want to do, and the only thing I'm good for is mindlessly interneting. This gets in the way of the fact that I want to simultaneously make an awesome blog, start a webcomic, become an animator, learn to play the mandolin, stalk some people I wish were my friends, stalk people who already are my friends, watch Avatar: the Last Airbender, and clean my room.

So, the reasons I can't accomplish my life goals are homework, internet, Smurfs, dicks, and Snapchat. If these things could be eradicated for a bit that would be great.


P.S. I think the reason I'm not famous yet is that my posts don't have labels. That's what labels do, right? Anyway, all my posts are now labeled, so enjoy!

Tell it like it is

It has come to my attention that there are far too many euphemisms in the world. The name of a thing should be descriptive and shouldn't be put out of use just for sounding gross or scary. So instead of finishing my Spanish homework right now like I should, here is a list of the proper names for common things:

Maxi Pad = Blood Diaper
These things catch blood, though society seems to shy away from this fact. The blood in the commercials isn't even red, it's usually blue. Women aren't horseshoe crabs you know(fun fact: horseshoe crabs have blue blood, and that is why they are royalty). Be proud of your blood! It's not an adult diaper, it's a blood diaper, and that sounds badass. Like a toddler that can sword fight.

Soy Milk = Soy Juice
Milk is the stuff that comes out of mammals. If it doesn't come out of a mammal, it's not milk, no matter how milky it seems. Several other substances claim to be milk when they are really juices. I'm looking at you, almond milk, rice milk, and coconut milk. Actually it's more like coconut embryonic fluid. I'd buy that. I can say that I put infant coconut trees in my cereal.

Hot Dogs = Intestine-cased Meat Smoothies
Actually, only the really good ones have intestine casing. Most have a weird cellulose thingy. Yuck, cellulose? What am I, a cow?

Marshmallows = Ligament Sugar Pillows
A lot of these turned out to be about food. Food is gross and weird. I still eat it though, because if I didn't, I'd have to face the unknown of non-consciousness. Also, my brain makes me think all these things taste good, when really I'm eating the bones and tendons of other animals. Who does that?

Recorder = Vertical Flute
In my wild days as a fourth grader, I was forced to learn how to play the recorder. This apparently traumatized several of my class mates, though I didn't mind that much. I don't really remember anything about it either, so the school districts maniacal plan to make us all musically literate at the age of 10 failed. And recorders don't record anything, which is disappointing, as I had hoped to use mine as an iPod.

P.S.  If you were worried about my Spanish homework, I got bored and did it halfway through the post. Academic crisis averted!

Worm Guts

Hey single follower! Also hey to any future follows or readers or whatever. Are jetpacks sustainable yet?

Anyway I haven't posted in a while, and I don't know what I was doing when I started this blog, but I own a piece of internet now, so I might as well use it. I'll tell some stories, see where it goes and such, and maybe I will look back on it later and marvel at my ignorance, like I am with my previous post at this point. Please disregard all previous posts.

A couple days ago, I had to dissect a worm, which is the ritual of freshman high school students. I won't put a picture on the actual blog, in case you are afraid of organs. But here is a worm gut picture I found on the internet, click at your own risk: http://www.biologyjunction.com/images/earthw6.jpg

It's all nicely labeled and everything!

So everyone had to get a worm from the worm bin at the front of the room. They worms were thankfully already dead, but smelled strange, probably due to whatever chemical was used to kill them.  We were instructed to make a small cut in the worm a quarter-inch below that tape-looking bump thing that worms have. Then we had to slice open the worm, being very careful not to puncture the intestine. My partner was much more squeamish about the whole ordeal than I, and so I had to do most of it.

Of course, the open worm had to stay open, so I had to use the "probe" to poke to connective tissue of the worm until it came apart, then pin down the skin with pins that gave me dramatic flash backs to my macrame days. It case you don't know what a probe is, it's just a long piece of metal in this context. Maybe the teacher thought we would feel more comfortable if we felt like members of NASA. I poked to torn worm body with the probe, and my partner was brave enough to do it too. I'm proud of her.

The point is, once you have broken connective tissue and seen the inside of a worm as it really is, you feel more connected the earth, and see the value of life. The worm was born, and then it was gassed, then it had to be picked apart by a bunch of unwitting humans, with macrame pins, all in an attempt to give them an education. One day we will all die, and be given back to the worms. The cycle will continue, and the worms are obvious to the whole thing, probably, because the have very small brains, and a worm that is cut in half will grow two new worms. Did you know that? It's creepy.

So make sure to live your life in a way that is meaningful, because we will all someday be at the whims of high schoolers with macramé pins.

Or something like that.

The difference between an outhouse and a porta-pottie

At some point in your mortal life, you are likely to ask you self the question, "Is this toilet an outhouse or a porta-pottie? What is the ultimate destiny of my excrement?" You may ponder this for a while before reaching your conclusion. Or maybe you are not like me, and you don't really care. If so I give you permission to read something else. Perhaps my post on alternative swears?

As for the rest of you, this important question will finally be answered! 

A porta-pottie is typically made from plastic, and at the end of the warm season is taken away by a truck, off to unknown distant lands, to fields where people who don't feel like going in the woods wait, impatiently.

An outhouse however, is more sincere. It is a small wooden building with a toilet over a hole in the ground. The outhouse, unlike the porta-pottie, is here to stay, built to last. The waste deposited there will return to the earth and continue with the circle of matter. As for the waste in porta-potties, who knows where that stuff goes?

Alternative curse words

Do you ever feel the need to express your anger, but there are children present? Are you tired of all the old, boring swears? Would you like to be a part of a brand new language movement?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you will love this new line of...

Alternative Swears!

These swears can be used at any time. Feel free to evoke them whenever necessary.

1. Jesus's Favorite Sweater-vest!

(I must credit the show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me for introducing me to this one, though I haven't heard it used by anyone else, so I thought I would try to spread it around)

2. Bovine Excrement
Great for use as a replacement for that other well known poop word.

3. Defenestrate it, haters!

For use with getting back at the haters. It means, "Throw it out the window, haters!" It will force the haters to use a dictionary, and also sounds more insulting than it actually is.

4. Flibbity Jibbets!

I credit one of my friends for coming up with this one(you know who you are). It is best used as an exclamation. It's even an f-word!

Now, go forth, and spread these words around the world. We can make this a cultural phenomenon! Use these words whenever you can! Currently, the search results for most of these curses are comments that I have made on Reddit. So you guys are going to have to spread the word! Use these words on all your social media accounts, and submit them to Urban Dictionary. I believe in you.