Tell it like it is

It has come to my attention that there are far too many euphemisms in the world. The name of a thing should be descriptive and shouldn't be put out of use just for sounding gross or scary. So instead of finishing my Spanish homework right now like I should, here is a list of the proper names for common things:

Maxi Pad = Blood Diaper
These things catch blood, though society seems to shy away from this fact. The blood in the commercials isn't even red, it's usually blue. Women aren't horseshoe crabs you know(fun fact: horseshoe crabs have blue blood, and that is why they are royalty). Be proud of your blood! It's not an adult diaper, it's a blood diaper, and that sounds badass. Like a toddler that can sword fight.

Soy Milk = Soy Juice
Milk is the stuff that comes out of mammals. If it doesn't come out of a mammal, it's not milk, no matter how milky it seems. Several other substances claim to be milk when they are really juices. I'm looking at you, almond milk, rice milk, and coconut milk. Actually it's more like coconut embryonic fluid. I'd buy that. I can say that I put infant coconut trees in my cereal.

Hot Dogs = Intestine-cased Meat Smoothies
Actually, only the really good ones have intestine casing. Most have a weird cellulose thingy. Yuck, cellulose? What am I, a cow?

Marshmallows = Ligament Sugar Pillows
A lot of these turned out to be about food. Food is gross and weird. I still eat it though, because if I didn't, I'd have to face the unknown of non-consciousness. Also, my brain makes me think all these things taste good, when really I'm eating the bones and tendons of other animals. Who does that?

Recorder = Vertical Flute
In my wild days as a fourth grader, I was forced to learn how to play the recorder. This apparently traumatized several of my class mates, though I didn't mind that much. I don't really remember anything about it either, so the school districts maniacal plan to make us all musically literate at the age of 10 failed. And recorders don't record anything, which is disappointing, as I had hoped to use mine as an iPod.

P.S.  If you were worried about my Spanish homework, I got bored and did it halfway through the post. Academic crisis averted!